Oddities of Human Kind

Though they are common, and society brings out the best and shames the worst of them, Oddities exist in everyone. Just as you tell a child they cant have something. They want it even more. Isnt that how life is? The desire to have something, someone.. and as soon as you cant have it, the craving kicks in like a mother fucker? I am certainly experiencing that right now. On several fronts. Who is to blame tho, I suppose. I know for one, I just need to grab hold the horns of life, and direct this beast to my pen of contemplation, tame it and release it back into the wild. Which we call Life, I think.

I cant remember the last time I smiled like I used to, In those pictures that I looked at.. It was a long time ago. No, Not a soul has come close to making me feel that happy. Does that mean I havent been happy - bright eyed and bushy tailed a few times a month? No. I have been. But does it compare. No. It does not. Then again, what compares to a birthday card that brings a tear to the eye? You get it once a year, and then again, it has to be a good damn card. Something about a Fathers admiration at your accomplisments in life, really help turn things around Id bet. Im at one of those points where something of that nature could help. Does it mean thats what I desire, No, not truly. Its more of the feeling behind it.

Of all the things that are happening in life right now, There are many things to be thankful for. For instance, Im alive. Employed. Housed and fed. I feel Im taking a serious shaft up the ol' keister right now. But hey, Can I hack it? Well, Of course. Though Rion needs some support now and again, even without it, He will carry on. Its the 'Nullstone' inside me that really helps. A black hole for the negativity to be sucked down and obliterated. Sometimes, the negativity bulks up, I get nuked down and beat up by bursts.. No time for that black hole to empty and take it all in. So, just as the winds wear down a mountain over the course of a millennia, I too wither a bit. Unlike a mountain, I grow back. Actually.. Its not unlike a mountain, Tectonic plates make mountains grow. So what are my tectonic plates? Sometimes it seems its something unnatural. It takes a moment.. A drink.. A drug.. Something to make me realize that things arent so bad. And perhaps Ill grow my skin a bit thicker in areas, scales here or there... Strap a shield on my arm, a sallet on my head and learn to wield a sword. All metaphorical of course, as I think walking around like that may attract some unwanted attention. But, its Portland isnt it. Sometimes I feel its neccesary to gear up.

I havent ever saved a princess. Did you know that? Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Grow up, Grow strong and rescue some fair maiden from a tower? I thought that growing up. Turns out, the maiden just wants out, the dragon a ploy.. and all in all you'll be robbed of your castle and steed when you divorce. Perhaps its a good thing then. But I do have hope, I see some couples so devoted its annoying. My devotion runs deeper I think. How many girls laughed at that? Take your anger, your thirst for making me hurt and think about it. I am really.. Not that bad of a guy. Its questionable, sure. My morals and train of thought is very often questioned. Or at least, taken with a grain of salt. . . An aspirin, shot of jack and a vodka back.. but still. You dont jump out of a plane on a whim. Some do.. But if you cant handle my plane, my altitude and my sense of tom foolery.. Do you really even want to know me in the first place?

I am a complex person, to say the least. Then again, Arent we all? Men are to women, and women are to men. Two of the same creations, by the same person. Allegedly anyways. The oddity about me, is even in company.. amidst drinks and what have you.. My mind whirls and dissects things, contemplates and damn near drives me mad. Truth is, I cant sit and talk to someone without thinking more about who they are.. than what they are saying. If Ive ever been talking and forgotten my train of thought, Chances are Ive gotten lost in the idea that you actually care what Im even saying, and if its even worth saying anymore. The contemplation is deep and brooding however. So, at 5 am in the morning ,at a Denny's, I realized a few new things. Anything new about myself? Well, Sure. Life is a lesson. A long one. Who is the lesson for? Ourselves? Well, we die in the end, So whats the point? Future generations? Is life a big game, or trial for mankind to some bigger power? Would a religios person say yes.. if so, Why would god test man, for what purpose. Wouldnt that make him the kid with the magnifying glass above the ant hill? Questions that will never be answered. And to the religious person, You are wrong. Whatever you opinion on past questions.. is wrong. And here is why.

What? You expected an answer? Now you know how the non religious feel. Trust me, I wrote the answer above this paragraph, Just believe its there and youll see it. Oh? Now you are mad? Upset? Dissapointed in my lack of belief. No, Run off.. pray. Let your sub concious roam, as mine does. Let your thoughts wander, your mind drift. Open your mind, away from the straight and narrow, away from the dichotimous thinking that you are driven to do most of the time. Youll get your answer. Now the tricky part, youve answered your own thought havent you. So, Who is god then? I am my own God. I choose when I choose to really live, and I will choose when I die. And its not for a long time. Unfortunately, the one thing I seem to be having a hard time with .. Is when you be happy. It just so happens, that part of my life isnt run by me..  Its run by that damned princess and her Dragon. That Damned Dragon..  Oh how to slay it..

-Trounce

Stalking a Lover.

So, When one is certainly drunk, More than nomal. Her or She does things thats more or less, against the law. Or even agains their nature. Thats me, This fine evening. What did I do this fine evening you may ask, well, I shant tell. Why? Well why the fuck would I. All I can say is, I went somewhere, To check on someone.. And found nothing. Which doesnt mean I didnt find what I was looking for, It just means I need more information to confirm what I am looking to find. In otherwords, I missed.

 The bigger question is, who or what was I looking to find. Well, In all honesty, I was looking for an ex. Which  Ex, Fuck you if you dont truely know. Its obvious. It can only be one of two.  But, I didnt find her. I am half sad, half angry.. Well.. More angry I didnt find her. But thats besides the point. She makes me sad anyways, I cant even explain to the masses how I really feel about her, Beacuse the majority already dislike her. But does that deter me?! Fuck no! Fuck you for your negativity.

Love cant be defined with words, Anyone who has ever been there could tell you that. Point and case is, I searched, and I am kinda glad I didnt find what I expected to. At least it means the guy was able to have a place to himself unlike I do. Does that mean im happy about it? FUCK THAT!  Im pissed off.. Royally. I am sure this little blog wont do a DAMN THING to fix anything.. But im writing it anways. Mainly because im drunk and cant help it. But.. Seriously.. people need to understand what I feel is going on. Im stuck between a few differnt options. One, Primarly, Is ideal. One not so ideal but would be better for all in my opinion, and a third which negates everyones feelings but may work out for the nuetrality of everyone.  And that isnt a bad thing. Its just more of a losers terms I think.

You see, I really want to give it my all, My whole Gung-Ho Attitude. But Im being stopped by a mysterious 3rd party.  I dont know the fucker, I dont WANT TO KNOW the fucker. But its happening. How would you feel if your previous lover was being loved on by another? Its how I feel. Constantly, Every day.. FUCK YOU PEOPLE. Why does Rion seem upset, FUCK YOU! Im fuckin pissed people. You claim you dont know whats wrong or you dont know how to help.. Or you dont know whats best for me, Fuck off.  You know what I want? A Family. Wow, Who saw that coming? No one. Fuck you. MUAH! Kiss my black ass people. KNOW ME better. Fucktards. Geezus Christ. I quit this fucking blog. G R  R.

White Noise

I always seem to write when I am stressed out. If you've been paying attention lately. . . I am stressed. I mean, lets do a little recap of the past 6 months. Moved out of an apartment that I had with some really cool people. Got into a good relationship and great apartment with a fantastic girl. More or less a step up from something I did have. Might take that with a grain of salt. However, that didnt last long. More or less due to me. Then I got in trouble for hitting my ex girlfriend. Cant really deny that happened. We could go into why I did it, But who cares. When you are guilty, Ur Guilty. Now im unemployed and cant pay any of my bills, loans, child support or have the cash for my class. If I dont take the class by the way, I go to jail. No passing GO and certainly no 200 bucks.

So, with all that. I have been having a real hard time sleeping. 5 am rolls around and my eyes are still open and staring at the ceiling. But hey, stress does that. I know my stress affects other people too. I know it rolls off, and I make people worry. But when has Rion ever done anything so stupid that he cant pop back up from it. I do stupid shit every day though. I think we all do. To a point. Ive been so lame lately, even to the point I get no sex. My choice really, But thats how it goes I suppose. No work, No play.. Not cool. Ive had some thoughts about skipping town. But, I really cant do that. Though, I know some people would just love to see me go. More or less so they could prove to the world how horrible I am.

I suppose its the way it will be anyhow. I think what bothers me the most, is how im referred to as the bad guy. I suppose in some aspects I deserve it. I just think there are more than a dozen reasons why I dont deserve the title. Does the past ever mean anything? Could you be a superhero all your life, then make one mistake and have it all go down the drain? Or is that just something women are amazing at doing? Crushing the past with an iron fist and making the here and now matter. However, If in their past they did nothing but take care of you, mother you and "make you a better person", you will only ever here it as them being so amazing in the past. Usually, they leave you because they just cant keep carrying you. Oh, How silly women are lately.

As sad as it is, its become a womans world. Oh, dont get me wrong. Its not because they run it, or are more intelligent than us males. Nay, they are not more powerful or amazing in any way. They scream equality, but really demand extensive care. Used to be, the woman ran to the man for protection. We hunted and helped them survive. Oh, Dont get me wrong. I am sure women could have done it themselves. But, they didnt. Now, the second a woman gets in trouble, needs money or a second (third, fourth or fifth) chance.. Well.. part the red seas again. We got another one.

Dont get me wrong. I love women, I think they are amazing. Just like every girl has a prince charming. Im sure there are amazing women out there. The world Cannot be full of . . lazy, controlling, manipulative, greedy, holier than thou, my way or the highway, attitude wielding, PMS abusing women. Oh.. they already do. They are all 2 years old. .or 3.. maybe even 4. But after 4 I am pretty sure they develop an attitude and start acting like their mom.

None of that, by the way, its directed at any specific person, or groups of people. Its more of a opinion on society. If you feel insulted by that, please do ask yourself.. Why? On another note, do you ever wonder why women pride themselves on being bitches? Or hard asses? Or 'single independent mothers'. Is that even a compliment to ones self? Children  need a mother and a father to be raised in good fashion. They dont have to be together, but seriously. How many times do I see the same old sentence describing a woman. "I have a son/daughter and he/she is my world!" "I raise him by myself because his/her dad isnt around/doesnt wanna be around." Being a male in that situation, I cant say Im the worlds best father. Im probably very far from it, and I can admit that. But I promise you that second quote doesnt apply to me at all. More or less, I have been threatened with him being moved to another state because Im an asshole. Right, Take it out on the child because Im an asshole. Get over it maybe, thats my thought.

The majority of people with kids that I know, are single. Whether they be man or woman. You have your occasional situation where the woman lost her boyfriend/husband in the war, or in an accident. Thats an entirely different story, But amazingly enough the women are still just as bitter. No idea what Im going to do now tho.

I suppose I should just finish out this sentence that Ive been assigned to do. Get it all done and go try again somewhere else. It seems im at the point of no return really. I suppose I should get a vesectomy though. It seems making babies is bad joojoo for me. They turn out super cute and amazing, But they seem to ruin the girls ive been with. Or, Is that me? I think its me, pretty sure it is. I suppose thats a fair assumption. I cant be good at everything though. Perhaps relationships are just not my thing. Ive been told how much fun I am single anyhow. I do know, that a year from now ill be laying on a pillow, thinking about the past and realizing I fucked up again. But, Ill be far away. Most likely with a different girl laying across my chest. Hrmm, Hope she isnt ugly. Haha. But we can all hope cant we.

The women that are in and around my life now are quite fantastic tho. In their own way. One is a lot of fun, if I can ever get her out. Another is a shining beacon of hope for woman kind. The other is a constant whirlwind of emotion. Now, the trick is.. am I really describing one woman at a time, or all three woman at once with the same three lines? Because lets face it, I really did just describe most women. Its all in the moment really. One day you wake up and think, Wow. She is awesome. Another day.. They are too tired to do anything and just wanna watch a movie. The third hour they are crying and upset because You didnt take out the trash.  Ok, Im being obnoxious now.

If only I had the power to replay the last 10 years of my life.

What would I do then, If  I could. Oh, I can think of a dozen things Id do, a few things I wouldnt. And a whole shit load of things id do differently.

-Trounce