Oddities of Human Kind

Though they are common, and society brings out the best and shames the worst of them, Oddities exist in everyone. Just as you tell a child they cant have something. They want it even more. Isnt that how life is? The desire to have something, someone.. and as soon as you cant have it, the craving kicks in like a mother fucker? I am certainly experiencing that right now. On several fronts. Who is to blame tho, I suppose. I know for one, I just need to grab hold the horns of life, and direct this beast to my pen of contemplation, tame it and release it back into the wild. Which we call Life, I think.

I cant remember the last time I smiled like I used to, In those pictures that I looked at.. It was a long time ago. No, Not a soul has come close to making me feel that happy. Does that mean I havent been happy - bright eyed and bushy tailed a few times a month? No. I have been. But does it compare. No. It does not. Then again, what compares to a birthday card that brings a tear to the eye? You get it once a year, and then again, it has to be a good damn card. Something about a Fathers admiration at your accomplisments in life, really help turn things around Id bet. Im at one of those points where something of that nature could help. Does it mean thats what I desire, No, not truly. Its more of the feeling behind it.

Of all the things that are happening in life right now, There are many things to be thankful for. For instance, Im alive. Employed. Housed and fed. I feel Im taking a serious shaft up the ol' keister right now. But hey, Can I hack it? Well, Of course. Though Rion needs some support now and again, even without it, He will carry on. Its the 'Nullstone' inside me that really helps. A black hole for the negativity to be sucked down and obliterated. Sometimes, the negativity bulks up, I get nuked down and beat up by bursts.. No time for that black hole to empty and take it all in. So, just as the winds wear down a mountain over the course of a millennia, I too wither a bit. Unlike a mountain, I grow back. Actually.. Its not unlike a mountain, Tectonic plates make mountains grow. So what are my tectonic plates? Sometimes it seems its something unnatural. It takes a moment.. A drink.. A drug.. Something to make me realize that things arent so bad. And perhaps Ill grow my skin a bit thicker in areas, scales here or there... Strap a shield on my arm, a sallet on my head and learn to wield a sword. All metaphorical of course, as I think walking around like that may attract some unwanted attention. But, its Portland isnt it. Sometimes I feel its neccesary to gear up.

I havent ever saved a princess. Did you know that? Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Grow up, Grow strong and rescue some fair maiden from a tower? I thought that growing up. Turns out, the maiden just wants out, the dragon a ploy.. and all in all you'll be robbed of your castle and steed when you divorce. Perhaps its a good thing then. But I do have hope, I see some couples so devoted its annoying. My devotion runs deeper I think. How many girls laughed at that? Take your anger, your thirst for making me hurt and think about it. I am really.. Not that bad of a guy. Its questionable, sure. My morals and train of thought is very often questioned. Or at least, taken with a grain of salt. . . An aspirin, shot of jack and a vodka back.. but still. You dont jump out of a plane on a whim. Some do.. But if you cant handle my plane, my altitude and my sense of tom foolery.. Do you really even want to know me in the first place?

I am a complex person, to say the least. Then again, Arent we all? Men are to women, and women are to men. Two of the same creations, by the same person. Allegedly anyways. The oddity about me, is even in company.. amidst drinks and what have you.. My mind whirls and dissects things, contemplates and damn near drives me mad. Truth is, I cant sit and talk to someone without thinking more about who they are.. than what they are saying. If Ive ever been talking and forgotten my train of thought, Chances are Ive gotten lost in the idea that you actually care what Im even saying, and if its even worth saying anymore. The contemplation is deep and brooding however. So, at 5 am in the morning ,at a Denny's, I realized a few new things. Anything new about myself? Well, Sure. Life is a lesson. A long one. Who is the lesson for? Ourselves? Well, we die in the end, So whats the point? Future generations? Is life a big game, or trial for mankind to some bigger power? Would a religios person say yes.. if so, Why would god test man, for what purpose. Wouldnt that make him the kid with the magnifying glass above the ant hill? Questions that will never be answered. And to the religious person, You are wrong. Whatever you opinion on past questions.. is wrong. And here is why.

What? You expected an answer? Now you know how the non religious feel. Trust me, I wrote the answer above this paragraph, Just believe its there and youll see it. Oh? Now you are mad? Upset? Dissapointed in my lack of belief. No, Run off.. pray. Let your sub concious roam, as mine does. Let your thoughts wander, your mind drift. Open your mind, away from the straight and narrow, away from the dichotimous thinking that you are driven to do most of the time. Youll get your answer. Now the tricky part, youve answered your own thought havent you. So, Who is god then? I am my own God. I choose when I choose to really live, and I will choose when I die. And its not for a long time. Unfortunately, the one thing I seem to be having a hard time with .. Is when you be happy. It just so happens, that part of my life isnt run by me..  Its run by that damned princess and her Dragon. That Damned Dragon..  Oh how to slay it..

-Trounce

Three strikes and I'm ... Out?

Alright. So, After about 3 paragraphs, I erased what I wrote. Then, erased yet another paragraph. Lack of inspiration. What does inspire me. Psychology, women, Feelings, Emotions, Music. Music? yeah, I am surprised at that comment. But I'm doing what I do best, writing off the top of my head. I have decided, That it would be best, if I just learned to define what I want in life and go for it. But, half the problem is, I don't know what I want.

I do know, that I really enjoy being a male. Something about being the protector of the species really calls to me. I never mind putting myself first, or volunteering to help. I think being the gentleman, knight in shining armor really speaks to me. Partly because its a great part of our history as men. I also think it needs to be reinforced lately. So many douche bags on planet earth right now. A whole lot more in and around my circle of friends than I thought. I know I am an asshole, especially when it comes to the emotions I put women through. I need work, I know that. But don't we all? Ive made a great many mistakes toward women. How many times will I revisit this nightmare.

Lets kill a few inner demons shall we. Lets see, Ive had 3 serious relationships I think. I've cheated in every one of them. I have lost all three, mainly for that reason. Is it all my fault.. I guess so. I couldn't keep my dick in my pants, mainly cuz its so huge! OK, We all know that's not true. Do I regret cheating, I would like to think not. I don't want to regret the one life I have, and the decisions I make in it. I would like to think I have had some of the most perfect women that life could offer, as far as them being my girlfriend.

My first. . Well, we had a song and everything. I was her first.. everything. She was the first person my heart was stolen by. She may not know it, But it was hers from the moment I laid eyes on her. It was that innocent smile, and those bright eyes. She was probably one of the happiest people id ever seen in my life. Hopefully no one knows what its like to see someone you love breaking down in front of you, because of something you did to them. I don't like to think I did that, more than once. But its true. However, in the time that we did spend together.. Despite being txted or called every other hour. . She was amazing to me. From the time we saw each other in the morning, until the txt or late call to wish each other good night.

The second, was nearly the same. Well, no. Who am I kidding. She was one of a kind, so imperfect. It was a square meeting a triangle. Different sides about everything. Nothing matched up, but we did. Somehow. Her blue eyes, so bright. She tried to hard to hide her lazy eye.. I noticed. She had the most adorable laugh, and dammit, I hated yelling at her. She didn't deserve my attitude on half the matters that came up. Although I put a lot of time and effort into our relationship. I don't think I gave it my all. More and more I think I could have saved it all. And now, Ive lost it for good I think. There are some that still put a small amount of stock into it, I just don't see it. She has gone so far as to get married, But not because of me. No. To be happy and move on. We still have, id hope, one thing that bonds us. Although, she will probably ignore it.

My third and most recent. .  It still hurts, though she might not think it does. I don't even know that what we had was as real as we both think. It seemed to revolve around the bedroom, as I suppose made sense. Drinks and sex. I still loved her though. I think women are weird that way though. Taking only a moment to fall so ever deeply in love, and then when the relationship is over. It only seems a few months and they have completely forgotten everything. And as a man, Do I admit to still having such feelings long after? Is it because I can differentiate between romantic sex and physical gratification? Just something I will have to work on. She was amazing, If only we could find common ground besides a pillow top mattress.

In all these relationships I can say that I've learned a few things. Id like to say they are things I wont repeat. But that isn't the case, is it. Women are, as I've said, complex creatures. Ive read a six hundred page book, about understand women. I disregarded half of it I'm sure. Well, I retained the information. I just didn't find it accurate. Women are like time and technology. They change every few years. Things are not the way they used to be. I cant understand every one, I know that. I don't even understand myself sometimes. I am fully aware that the most sexually gratifying experiences have been with one of the three women that have been my girlfriends. And its not even due to the emotional part. Its just a fact. You can run a good race, But if you practice, you will only get better.

Perhaps, Ill just cut off women all together. Yeah, Why not. Why don't we try this, See if I can even keep a regiment to my readers. Today is.. Monday, February 21st. What happens if I don't sleep with anyone for six months. For kicks, as I've always wanted to.. Ill grow my hair out. No haircut for six months either. Lets see what I look like with ugly ass long hair. My mom will freak, I be she is as she reads this. It could be fun. Ill do my best to keep myself from women and such. Of course, though. Once I commit to this, Karma will kick me in the ass and throw every sexually frustrated women at my doorstep. Not that 2 months is any great deal, but 2 months penance for each failed relationship. What do I get if I can pull this off, as Life cant go without rewards. Well, In about six months time.. It will be my daughters birthday, and my sons will have just passed. So perhaps Ill visit my daughter? Who knows.

I will have to explain to all my friends over in Aussie, and throughout the rest of the world, and they will most likely laugh. By the way, My buddies over in Aussie are pretty bad ass. They give me more respect than I deserve. But that's cool. On with the games. They are becoming regular friends, which is nice. I cant tell you how few people ask me in real life how my kids are. I appreciate all those rough neck bastards in the good ol OGC.

-Trounce